Ten years ago I accidentally and briefly turned up living in deepest darkest Dorset and decided to play a game of ‘Trading Up’ with myself. I had an idea to chain buy then sell then buy then sell a ‘thing’ not for money, just for fun. The initial capital investment had to be found for free and I could only buy something with the money the last thing sold for. Again, this was not for profit, but pure entertainment to follow the story of the items in the chain, and my experiences. As I say, it started when I was on tour and stationed in Dorset in 2008, or maybe 9, so I decided to pick up a penny when I saw one on the ground and tossed them in the coin tray in the driver’s door of my transit van. You really do have to scratch around on the floor to find things to do in Dorset.

Weeks went by and I’d driven over to Bournemouth to see my mate Spike. I was walking back to the van one day and saw a vintage green ‘candle flame’ Avon perfume bottle in the window of a charity shop, 10p, game’s on!

About two years later I sold the Avon bottle at a London carboot/antiques market for £1 after coming back from New York (it was a long, far reaching and emotional tour) and I was selling some things before moving out of my beloved flat in Docklands to emigrate to Hong Kong. It’s a decade later now, three continents (some twice) and countless countries, moves and grooves and a landfill of knick-knacks bought, but not sold. I must have bought a thousand things for a pound since then, but nowt with that pound, until now. Game’s back on!

A few months ago I found myself in the position of owning both a house and a car in England during a heatwave and a party invitation to Spike’s in Bournemouth. I thought I’d never experience this level of comfort in my life, but here I am, with a car called George Michael and a home rammed with all my knick-knacks from a lifetime of foraging, truffling and traveling and a friend who wants to see me. Peak level of life. I love a bit of serendipity and symmetry so I decided I was going to pick up The Buying Game again. However, with one stipulation, the next purchase in the chain must be sold. The only way I would be able to release the item from my hamster storage cheeks is if I didn’t want it. More challenging than you’d imagine if you want everything and you have an unknown quantity of hoarder genes.

I had booked an Airbnb room in Bournemouth that had gone wrong at 10.30 the night before I was supposed to leave. The geezer started arguing with me about something and nothing so I pressed eject on the deal immediately. A lesson I’ve learned the long and hard way. In all my past lives I would have tried to pacify him and tiptoed around on egg shells the whole time I was there, being uncomfortable and anxious. Now, fuck em. Tell em straight and delete them from your life.

However, this did leave me accomodationless at half eleven the night before I was going to leave at nine in the morning, but immediately delivered a bonus in being rescued by two old friends I hadn’t seen in years and a safe and welcoming room in their house. Under Spike’s orders.

George Michael loaded up, house locked up, snack sack tooled up, we’re Bournemouth bound. I set a charity shop on a street I recognised the name of as my sat nav destination and it said we’d be there by 3. This is England and the M5 is set up to fail so I got there at 4.30. Within minutes of power knick-knack truffling I scored a pair of suede-soled Tango shoes £2 (that’s a pound a foot), a vintage Gloria Hunniford style half-sleeve jacket £3 and a glass scorpion £1. And do you know, I think the £1 glass scorpion was in the same shop I bought the 10p glass Avon bottle. The planets of the universe have aligned. Game on extra time!

The soles are suede…the soles…suede. Take me to the Tango.

So naturally I left the scorpion in a bag I thought wasn’t mine in the friends house when I left. Bollocks. Game’s off again! One month later I get another invite to another party in Bournemouth, all the love is double happy in Bournemouth. Problem solved. Harmony in the universe restored. By miracle or magic my friends have neither binned nor broken it and a top road trip, one pink BnB, three cats (Tolly, Bobo and Al Capone), four towns, too many Battenberg cakes, lost houses, vintage sofas, hot beaches, new friends, old mates, and one retrieved glass scorpion figurine is up for sale.