I was driving some friends home from watching Stan and Ollie at the Philharmonic Hall the other night and, knowing my romantic attachment to Retail Parks, as we passed a new one my friend asked if I’d been there yet. I said yes, I’d spotted it, because I’d been to the B&Q which was just around the corner. Someone from the back seat then said there was a better B&Q in another area which forced me to explain that I have to crop rotate all the B&Qs in the borough because I keep having to storm out of them in a rage, then storm back in a few days later. I’ve stormed out of one branch in particular so many times I have to creep around the entrance to see who’s on the customer service desk. If it’s Sophie, I’m safe to proceed.

I’ve started doing it online too, but it’s much less dramatic storming out of a website as you can’t give the full thin-lipped stare and threatening hair. What had happened was, I’d decided I was going to grow fruit trees this year because I wanted some height in the yarden, plus I’d never tried it and I wanted to have a go.

I need to point out that I am an experienced and accomplished horticultural researcher, I’m not a total moron and I had made five attempts to find out some info about the fruit trees I wanted to buy from this particular site that had rave reviews, but the contact number was a call centre who just read out the info on the website. I said I’d read that, so they advised me to email the company.

This I did, with an itemised list of very reasonable questions that was NOT INCLUDED in the product information on the site:

Hello, regarding your 6 bare root fruit tree collection product code 666666, can you please tell me....

1) will they produce fruit this season?

2) what is the height of the plants on arrival?

3) what is the expected height of the plant at maturity if grown in a container?

4) what size container is recommended for its life?

5) what organic feed do you recommend?

6) do you allow substitutions - a Bramley Apple instead of the apricot?

Question re. your 30 litre black plastic plant pots....

1) What is the diameter and height of the pot please?

Many thanks in advance for your information.

Best wishes

The reply came the next day from someone called Michelle. Michelle just cut and pasted links to the fucking website from the item code I had sent her! I was raging and said so to Michelle and I told her via immediate reply that I would NEVER buy from them EVER. Plus, once you peeled back the official review page, there was a thick undergrowth of crushed miserable people cursing about the shit service.

Dear Ms Michelle

I’m disappointed and actually offended that you think that is a suitable reply to my enquiry.

Clearly I read the information on the website and as the information I required was not included I phoned your call centre three times and they told me to email your company.

You have not read my questions, you’ve palmed me off with a link to the obvious, which is an insult, so for that reason I will not be ordering any products from you now nor never.

Hope you’re happy

Yours Ms Furiously Indignant of Stormy Outy

However…… I couldn’t find self-fertile varieties of the trees I wanted in any of my local garden centres, so I was going to have to resentfully and bitterly bite the B&Q bullet and storm back into the website to order that bloody set of six fruit trees on Monday, two of which I didn’t even want - the apricot and the peach.

That weekend’s world news had been devastatingly horrifying and I had personally been surrounded by psychopaths and megalomaniac narcissists, so first thing Monday morning I took flight in a mission to fill George Michael with as many plants as I could and counteract the hate with leaves and love. It turned out to be a very nourishing day.

I went to the big Tesco near John Lennon’s old house, the one I don’t normally go to, and like a gift from the greatest god of all, Mother Nature, they had a big box of fruit trees outside. All the varieties I needed, plus I could see and pick and choose the ones I wanted. They were all self-fertile, meaning you don’t need another tree for pollination which is how they produce the fruit, these varieties can be pollinated by themselves by the bees. They were big and healthy, they were 2 for £10 and best of all I bet they were supplied by the same online company I’d stormed out of! I hope Tesco rinsed them in a price deal. RESULT.

I chose an apple (Cox’s Orange Pippin), plum (Victoria), pear (Conference) and a cherry (Stella) and had a lovely chat with a chap about roses. Urgh I felt so content, what a strike. Stoked, I headed on up to Aintree to a B&Q I had never had a fight in and where my big plant buying started, I didn’t want to risk a rumble today. I went to The Range first as they always have very good quality plants and unusual varieties (I nearly said range). True to good form, they’d had a delivery of loads of great and interesting shrubs at excellent prices. I soaked in the pleasure of plant choosing, reading all the labels and googling tips. I think I get the same thrill from choosing and buying plants that other people get from makeup. I was made up with a Weigela Lawson, a Bruce Forsythia and a Cornus Forus (Sorry).

Weigela Bristol Snowflake, Forsythia Spectabilis and Cornus Kesselringii

All the while I was engrossed with choosing my tiny shrubs there was a collection of amazing dwarf fruit trees sitting quietly behind me, going unnoticed. I almost walked by without looking because in my head I’d gathered all the fruit I wanted. They all looked so fertile and built to burst out fruit. I spied a stunning dwarf peach tree in full blossom at the back. Mini Psfishish the gnome said, what a beauty. There were apricots too, but I’m not mad about apricots, I didn’t want the apricot in the first place, so I left it. Took the peach. £15, superb price.

I bought a Blueberry bush in B&Q, via buying the giant Martini Cat Condo in Homesense - FABULOUS, then swung by Morrissons for some houseplants including a pink flowering Begonia and a triple pack of somethings.

On Tuesday the weather was still shitty, but went to B&M for the big pots, cat litter and compost. £50. A Friend on Facebook talked about her friend’s apricot tree that was overflowing with blossom and now I’m craving them so much I can taste them in the air. Might have to go back.

By Wednesday the weather was Wow! Glorious sun all day. Usually the hardest bit of yardening is carrying the 125 litre bags of wet compost through the house into the yard, but it was alright this time. Begonia had gone for a siesta upstairs in the bamboo lounge, so I just cracked on.

When I was a professional gardening researcher and herb mogul, I did everything meticulously right. Now I can’t be arsed, so I smashed the bottoms of the pots with a hammer and shoved a bit of broken brick in the crack to make sure there’s drainage. You’re supposed to soak the roots for a couple of hours before you plant the trees, but I couldn’t be arsed to do that neither.

They come with their feet bound like Chinese ladies and I feel the symbolic liberation of a generation of women when I unravel the plastic. Gently knock out the soil and sand and loosen the roots. These are 55cm pots (£3.99) and they took about 40-50 litres of compost to fill. Make sure there are no air pockets in the roots and firm the compost down very well. Finally give them a good soaking and feed with Maxicrop organic seaweed.

Planting a bare root fruit tree with drainage in a container.

The ends of some of the branches on the apple tree were a little ropey with some slight mould, which I don’t think it was a fungal infection, but just from being in the plastic bag, so I cut them off above a healthy bud, fingers crossed it should be fine.

Once I’d potted all four I was utterly exhausted and went in for poached eggs on toast instead of listening to the conversation in my head:

ME: It’s proper hot.

me: I’ve just planted 4 fruit trees and now I don’t know what to do.

ME: Well they can’t stay there

me: I’m just going to have some poached eggs on toast.

ME: They definitely can’t stay there!

me: These are the nice eggs.

They need enough space so the whole tree has good ventilation around the branches, no crossing or overlapping, and the most hours of sun you can give them. That meant a full clear out of the back yard wall. The wall of plants that had not been moved since I started stockpiling them three years ago. I stared at it for as long as I could, but it had to be done and it felt good in the end, like a Superyarden sweep and karmic cleanse.

In the middle of the rejig chaos I was sure I had gone too far and had one plant too many, but everything and everyone fell into place. I heard my first buzz about the head, saw my first ladybird and had my first sit down on a damp chair of the year.

It was 18 years ago I first opened my organic herb business, ten years since it was stolen and I never wanted to see a plant ever again. I finally feel that baby has left home and now I’m reborn in gooseberries (red and green), blackberries, raspberries (red and gold), blueberries, Tayberry bushes, apple, pear, cherry, plum and pfishsish trees. The blossom is due in mid May and harvest in the Autumn. Cant wait.

I’m Brexit ready, I ain’t getting no scurvy.

READ PART TWO HERE