Jul 5

Jul 5 Hose Pipe Wars ~ How To Win Tiny Victories In Life.

Today a won a tiny victory over life.

The chain of events…

Because I can’t stand any more shit builders in the house, I haven’t renovated the kitchen and it’s got an 80s square mixer tap. You need an adapter to fit a hose pipe on it and everyone knows they don’t work and just spray water in your face, so I’ve been watering my bountiful plants in the yard with a small watering can, carrying it back and forward through the kitchen, the living room, round the huge sofa and through the French doors into the yard rammed with only container plants twenty times a night - for two and a half years.

View of my yarden through the French windows

Because I paid that twat carpenter to make the floor by the French doors unwalkable on, I couldn’t do the watering can marathon, so the plants were dying before my eyes. He had already destroyed what dust was left of my soul and now I had to sit and watch him turn my beloved plants to dust. I thought about chucking buckets of water out the bathroom window, but twat carpenter had also ruined my expensive D-shaped bucket that is designed to fit the expensive long floor mop by mixing cement in it, so I went to B&Q to get an adapter to shoot myself in the eye instead.

They didn’t have one, but I asked a nice young man to find me one as I wasn’t going to buy one online because it won’t work and if I wanted to return it I’d have to buy a printer to print out the return slip and it wouldn’t be compatible with any of my computers, so wasn’t leaving the shop without one, which he did, in a crate of failed gadgets stuffed on a top shelf. Good lad.

You need an adapter for this adapter, which is obsolete, so I tried to stop thinking rationally and bought the hose with attachments from Argos anyway, coz they didn’t fucking have one in B&Q - not even hidden in a crate out of reach. Went to a third shop and bought a second hose with attachments as a backup for when first hose failed to fit. Bought a vintage Monet bracelet for free from a charity shop on way home - shop geezer fancies me coz I love cats.

Got home. Opened adapter with a blade so I could glue it together again when it didn’t work and someone had already done the same thing to it before me. It had already been tried and failed and reglued and returned.I felt their pain. It wasn’t going to work, but I just listened to the high pitched dead-tone in my ears and carried on. It worked. It went on the tap, it screwed closed, turned on tap, water came out the bottom, not too much out the sides, it worked.

Hang on...

Opened hose pipe and attachments. Hose fitted attachment. Attachment fitted adapter. Water went through pipe. Pipe went through window. Plants got the soaking of their lives. So did my new rose gold espadrilles and they never come back once they get wet. Never mind.

Today I have won a tiny victory against the latrine of modern life and all the turds floating around in it. Happy hosery.